Careful What You Wish For

I made the crazy misguided decision to get on an airplane and go visit a friend in Denver the week before Christmas. Airports are the worst at Christmas time. So many people, grumpy people. I was excited about my trip so I wasn't going to let them bother me. I made it through security with most of my dignity intact, really who looks at the naked body scans anyways? I found my gate a full hour before boarding only to sit there forever. My flight was delayed. It was delayed for over 2 hours. I don't fly well to begin with so when they say there is an issue with one of the engines it's pretty important that I medicate myself like crazy. Almost 3 hours later I get on the plane in an Ativan induced haze. I slept the whole way to Phoenix. When I got there I realized I had missed my connection. Yep after a year of looking for a missed connection it happened in the most literal sense. Very funny world.

 They got me on a much later flight so I had time to drink a couple airport margaritas. This made everything better. Well, it made me more hazy. When I finally got on the plane there was a 20ish looking boy beside me. We bonded over the smelly hippy across the aisle. I quickly fell asleep because it was late and I was completely wasted on tequila and Ativan. Some time later I had one of those falling dreams, the kind you wake up with a jump. I jumped almost out of my seat and grasped what I thought were the arm rests as hard as I could. My left hand as it turns out was squeezing this poor boys upper thigh. I'm sure I left a bruise. 

Is there a moral to this story? Yes! Several, be careful what you wish for. When there are a million signs saying don't go somewhere...don't go! It's going to be a disaster...and hot damn was it ever! And most importantly, Ativan and tequila shouldn't be mixed. 
-Miss Connection


Bathroom Blunder

Last week I drank an extra large Tim Horton's peppermint tea and had to pee approximately 27 times in the following 2 hours. I was just turning the corner to the shared entrance of the men's and women's washrooms as a giant tall man was just coming out of the bathroom. We collided. My entire body touched a large percentage of his entire body. In my rush to stop publicly molesting the innocent man my boots slipped on the laminate flooring and the man had to catch me as I almost did the splits...in skinny jeans. I burst out laughing and then dashed away...the laughter and shame reminded me of the 2 litres of peppermint tea that was waiting rather impatiently to exit my body. When I came out of the washroom the man was gone...out of my life just as abruptly as he entered it.


Please Don't Stab Me

Last week I had some crazy train adventures. No, I didn't get a missed connection but I definitely got some action...in a very non sexual way. Monday morning 2 drunk men got on the train a couple stops after I did. One of them stood over me in a very intimidating way and then proceeded to go through my school bag. He didn't take anything but I was terrified. His friend called him away and they began terrorizing an off duty transit worker. The man that had gone through my things put his hand up to the transit workers head and mimed shooting him. This was unnerving. Of course being the type of person who is drunk at 11 on a Monday morning he was also the type of person who falls asleep on the train. Once he was asleep the transit worker called the police. The man woke up while the phone call was in process and he started yelling about how he had a knife. Thankfully his equally intoxicated friend pulled him off the train at the next stop. I've never been so homesick for my small town in my life.

Friday morning a 19ish year old boy passed out on the train. Me being the worlds worst nurse had the slowest reaction time ever. By the time I got to the guy he was conscious and really didn't need my help. So I just helped him up to a seat. I don't think the train people believed me when I said I was a nurse since I was dressed up like a classmate (it was his birthday and we all agreed to dress like him as a surprise). I was wearing a Ninja Turtle hat, long johns instead of pants, and a Ninja Turtle t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. This outfit doesn't really inspire confidence.

So no missed connection but there was a missed mugging and a missed medical emergency...I'm getting closer!
-Miss Connection


It's A Sad Day For A Sad Girl

I regret to inform you that I am not the girl in the teal peacoat. I mean I am a girl in a teal peacoat but I am not THE girl in a teal peacoat. I heard back from the man that posted the Craigslist ad and I was unfortunately going the wrong direction on the train. He was very nice and wished me luck finding my missed connection. I guess I shoulda known better than to put my hope in Craigslist when Kijiji has been so good to me. I have 2 and a half months before my year of perving is over so I guess I need to up my game. I'm also taking suggestions for my 2013 blog challenge. Remember I have literally no pride so be creative!
-Miss Connection


This Might Be Legit

Wednesday night I went to see Bob Dylan at the Saddledome. It was a great concert but something happened on my way to the show. I left from school on the train and sat across from a man that I would guess is my age...which probably means he's 16 because that's my luck...but anyways we made the most awkward eye contact probably 34 times in the 10 minutes we were on the train together. We would make eye contact for a second and then we'd both quickly look at our phones. I was wearing a teal pea coat. Why am I telling you what I was wearing? Because...

I think I've been Craigslisted!

C Train Oct 10 - m4w

Date: 2012-10-10, 9:50PM MDT  kzcrt-3330765625@pers.craigslist.org

To the young lady with the teal peacoat on the train this afternoon, I would just lke to say that you are truely beguiling, and made my transit all better.
PostingID: 3330765625

There is a good chance that 800 other C-train riders were also wearing teal pea coats. I have sent a reply to this ad so stay tuned!
-Miss Connection


You With Your Pussy Cat Nose

Today I think I hit missed connection rock bottom. I was walking to the train when a big fat black cat approached me. Not just any cat but a cat with a little bell around his fat furry neck. He was running toward me in what seemed like slow motion, probably because he was so fat it was actually in slow motion. Before I knew what was happening I was sitting on the sidewalk snuggling with a strange cat. I was talking to him and he was purring back at me. It was magic. Magic, until a hunky man on a bike rode by and said, in the most judgemental of tones, "having fun?" Yep, that happened. This man must live in my neighbourhood he was only a block away from my house and he caught me sitting cross legged on the sidewalk talking to a strange cat. The worst part of the whole thing? I was much happier talking with the cat than I would have been if I was talking to the man. Also I named the cat Mr. Bojangles if you were wondering more about the state of my mental health.
-Miss Connection


Strangers on a Train

I am officially a resident of the giant city of Calgary! Each day I have an hour long trip to school and an hour long trip home. I take the C-train and I love it. I see the greatest things every day. My very first day on the train I saw a gentleman (I am using that term very loosely) drink a quarter of a bottle of Listerine. Not just any bottle of Listerine, a Costco size bottle of yellow Listerine. That's by far the worst flavour! He then turned to me and said "Sir, do you know what day this is?" Instantly I knew I was at home. I now live in a place where I am not the most awkward unfortunate person I see in a day. Even this week when I have no hot water at my house and have been using baby wipes and body spray in place of showering for the last 4 days, I seem like a well adjusted, well put together human on the train. Have I found love on the train? No, but I have developed some sort of Tuberculosis. If you see an ad saying: "you were coughing up blood and sobbing over your chick lit novel and we made extended eye contact on the 6:30 am train", you'll know it's about me.
-Miss Connection



Two weeks ago I, Jessica Hoy was in fact miss connected. It was an adorable post sent by someone who saw all the awful things the internet trolls were saying about me. I was absolutely crushed by the comments I found from strangers who had seen my blog in the Calgary Metro News. Seeing this sweet missed connection on Kijiji cheered me up immensely. I have said from day one that if I got a missed connection that I would reply, even go on a date with the poster depending on how strongly my "I'm about to get murdered and chopped into bits" radar went off. I emailed the poster thanking him for writing such nice things and told him that he had made my day. A few hours later he responded saying he was sorry about how mean people were to me and that he is glad I'm not letting them get the best of me. He gave me his name, which as a slightly crazy girl I did what every slightly crazy girl does, I googled, facebooked, and twittered the hell out of him. He clearly gave me a fake name, unless he is actually a Roman Emperor or character from Gladiator. He does not exist on any social networking sites. I emailed him back asking him a couple questions about himself which is when I got shut down. Rejected. Dismissed. Cast aside. Refused. I could go on forever thanks to thesaurus.com but I won't. Two weeks have passed and the Roman Emperor has not returned my email so here I stand, 9 months into my challenge, starting at square one. Yes, I was rejected by a Kijiji poster, but we aren't even gonna pretend that this is the most pathetic my social life has ever been. Hell, this isn't even the most pathetic I've been this week.
-Miss Connection


I'm Freaking Out!

I know I said I had been miss connected like a week ago and it was a complete joke, so you probably aren't going to believe me when I say it has happened for real this time! No, I'm not the girl who cried Missed Connection! Check out what I saw this morning when I did my customary Kijiji search...

I don't think this counts because I didn't actually have a moment with this man...yet. I'm getting closer though! I'm gonna respond so stay tuned!
-Miss Connection


Wardrobe Malfunction

I'm at the gas station putting diesel in my car when a concerned man says "Umm did you know you are putting diesel in your car?" This happens all the time since my little car doesn't look like all the other vehicles at the diesel pump, this time was different because the man was really cute and he didn't make eye contact with me, he was openly staring at my boobs. I realize this is something that happens to women all over the world all of the time, but this is the first time this has ever happened to me because honestly my eyes are almost the same size as my boobs so men are usually not tempted to break eye contact. I was thinking I must be looking hot in my new tank top. I went inside to pay and I caught the older lady working at the gas station staring at my chest as well. Strange. As soon as I got outside I looked down and saw that the strap from my purse had pulled my shirt down exposing my sexy flesh toned, bra covered, left boob. I can picture the missed connection now: "You were the hot mess at the gas station exposing your matronly flesh toned tattered bra, if you think this is you pull yourself together and please don't respond. Signed the Hottie at Pump 3".
-Miss Connection


This Is Not A Drill! I Have Been Miss Connected!! Sort Of...

Well folks, I think I have been miss connected! It only took me 8 months but here it is! 

I totally wear summer wear and I am a lady who drives in and around Calgary! Sometimes I even wear a nice low cut shirt! So what do you think? Should I respond? I already know the safe answer...
-Miss Connection


Speaking of Murder...

Let me set the stage for the creepiest missed connection that has never happened. Well, it happened, it just didn't make its way onto any online classifieds. Around 3am during Stampede I got off the C-train near my house with some friends and it all happened so fast. A guy dressed like a cowboy and a girl dressed like, well, a Taylor Swift music video, jumped onto the tracks and ran for the chain link fence. My friends didn't notice this so I told them to stop. I am not a weirdo but watching scantily clad drunk girls climb fences might be one of my favorite pastimes. As we watched, a man sidled up beside us and said something along the lines of "I hope she gets hurt, I haven't seen anyone get injured yet today." Strange right? He was dressed in all black, and not in a sexy Johnny Cash way, my memory is a bit foggy from my roommate's secret ice tea recipe, but I'm pretty sure he was wearing a duster. He most likely wasn't but there's no way to know for sure. As the girl made it over the fence without keeping her dignity intact we all started walking again. We joked about pushing the man in black on the tracks so he could be the one injured, he laughed and got on his bike and rode off into the night, or so we thought. We got almost all the way to our house when out of nowhere we hear a voice say "Speaking of murder..." it was the man in black on his bike. How do you sneak up on someone on a bike? Buddy needs to put some cards in his spokes ASAP! He never did finish his sentence, he just rode away. Now whenever a bicycle rides past the house me and my roommate are instantly put on edge.
-Miss Connection


Teenage Dream

Canada Day 2012 landed on a Sunday. Me and my two best friends fired up the Margaritaville  machine then hit the town. Hitting the town was not as easy as we had hoped. We wanted to dance but all of the respectable adult establishments were closed.What could we do? We had to resort to the bar in town where all the fresh 18's and fake ID's hang out. I was killing it on the dance floor with my finger guns and little kicks when I locked eyes with a mysterious stranger. This stranger was dancing in the most peculiar way, causing the hoodie he had tied around his waist to fly around as if it were dancing to its own song. His bright orange Wheaties t-shirt was slightly dampened by sweat. We made our way toward each other in what felt like slow motion, mostly because we were walking in poorly executed slow motion. We didn't touch, we didn't even exchange a word, we just danced. Then this stranger asked me for my number and I asked for his age. Was he a teenager? I'd rather not divulge that, you know, for legal reasons. Did I give him my number? Again, I'd rather not divulge that information. Do I have a contact in my iphone listed as "Teenage Derek" that's something I'll never admit to. Did I get a missed connection? No.
-Miss Connection


Let's Get Ready To Rumble!

Last week my mission hit a new level of insanity. The evening started with dinner, and when I say dinner I mean way too much sangria. After dinner me and four girlfriends decided to check out "Ladies Night" at Billy Bobs. I had never been to Billy Bobs on a Thursday so I'm not sure what it's like normally but this night was magical. It turns out on "Ladies Night" the men come out in droves. They were everywhere. The ratio was definitely in my favour. The only thing is for some reason that night when I would make my awkward eye contact, the men would do something they normally don't do, they approached me. This was a new experience. I adapted poorly. I told multiple men that I am in fact afraid of men. Two separate men ensured me that they were not rapist. Oh good. One man even touched me (where my bathing suit covers) when he walked by, not cool. There were two men that were very persistent. I danced with the first one, I'll call him White Shirt. He was a crazy odd dancer but it was fun. There is video of it that I will not be posting. Then  I talked with the other one, we'll call him Red Shirt, at the bar for a couple of minutes and he seemed pretty normal. He challenged me to some trivia, which as a nerd was right up my alley. He didn't ask me for my number or anything so I was hopeful that he would kijiji me. Unfortunately he didn't. Instead of getting kijiji weird he got crazy ex boyfriend* weird.

White Shirt and I danced a second time and Red Shirt stood a foot and a half behind us following us around the dance floor. White (yeah, I've given the nicknames nicknames) thought he was my ex. It was all very uncomfortable but the night was over so I was about to make my escape...

 As me and the girls walk out the door the bouncers all rush past us. Why? Because Red and White and all their stupid manly friends were fighting in the parking lot. There was a man lying on the ground unconscious and bleeding from the head. Of course being with a group of nurses they all went into life saving mode while I  stood back and waited for a cab. Yes, I'm a nurse too, but I am an apathetic nurse. I am still baffled by the whole situation. I mean I think I'm pretty great, but I'm definitely not bar fight material. So blood was shed and still no Missed Connection. This is crap.

*I don't date so I don't have any ex boyfriends so I am just assuming. I've seen romantic comedies so I'm pretty sure this is an accurate assessment.

-Miss Connection

UPDATE: This morning I got several messages regarding this post. It turns out that a man was seriously injured and may have even died in a bar fight outside of Billy Bobs last week. This occurred two days after the bar fight I wrote about. The two are not connected in any way and I am not trying to make light of a sad situation. Violence doesn't solve anything. Thoughts go out to the injured man and his family.
-Miss Connection 


I Need Your Help!!

A few of the surveys I sent to the lovely lonely people on kijiji have come back and the main thing I have noticed is that I might be too old for this. All three people that have responded to my survey have been younger than 20. Have I already passed my peak when it comes too free local personal ads? I need to up my game, that's where you come in. I need suggestions of places you want me to go to perv on men in hopes of landing a missed connection. You can leave your suggestions in the comments section of this post or on twitter at @missconnection_ or my personal account @a_hoyhoy I will try to do all reasonable suggestions unless they include bathing suits, breaking the law, or physical contact. Thank you so much for your help! -Miss Connection


Halfway Point

This year is flying by! I am 6 months into my challenge to be miss connected. I have had absolutely no luck so far, so I have decided to up my game. I have sent out a survey to the people on kijiji that have posted missed connections. I figure with proper research I can increase my chances of finding myself featured in a kijiji ad. The only problem with my survey is that people don't want to answer my questions. I sent out 30 surveys and have only gotten one response, so I have had to study hundreds of missed connections to gather my own data. I have found that almost all the missed connections posted are posted by men looking for women, so at least I am doing one thing right by not having a y chromosome. The other things I am doing right: driving, having hair, grocery shopping, eating at fast food establishments, and leaving my house on occasion. Hopefully, this will be enough. The first six months have been incredibly awkward but I have had a blast. I am going to try some new strategies for the rest of the year. Wish me luck!
-Miss Connection


All I Did Was Break his Eggs and Bruise His Artichoke Hearts

Well, I went and did it! I fell in love with a stranger at the grocery store. It was completely unexpected, I  walked into the store ten minuted before closing time, and there he was. He was a hunky dude and he smiled at me from the pre-made sandwich case. I turned around thinking his wife must be behind me, but alas, he was smiling at me. I did what any normal well adjusted lady would do, I put my head down and walked away really fast, like Napoleon Dynamite* leaving the talent show stage. It was almost a slow jog. I went down the junk food aisle, picked up some snacks for night shift, and when I was leaving the aisle the hunky stranger was just entering the junk food heaven. We ran smack into each other. I mean my whole body touched his whole body. This is the dream for someone with kijiji missed connection goals. I turned red and I quickly apologized and I think he said "I'm Adam" but he might have said something along the lines of "oops" or "sorry" or "your hair smells good" it all happened so fast. I proceeded to the checkout line where he was doing some "checking out" of his own. Yep, I caught him watching me purchase my 10 items or less from his spot in the regular amount of items line. I hoped with everything I had that I would make it out to my car without any more encounters since I am incredibly uncomfortable with any kind of manly advances. I got to my car without incident but as I drove away he was leaving the store and offered a parting wave and smile. I was sure he would have resorted to kijiji to track me down since we are obviously in love but so far no luck.

*I realize this reference is way outdated.

-Miss Connection


An Avocado By Any Other Name Would Taste As Sweet. Wrong.

This week I had a textbook missed connection opportunity. It was the most natural and unplanned moment I have had on this creepy journey. I was in line to pay for gas, I pulled my wallet out of my purse when it happened. An avocado fell out of my purse and rolled away. The man in line behind me reached to pick it up at the same time as me. Our hands touched, our eyes met, and that's when he spoke. "Here's your kiwi" he said with a wink. Yes, it all came crashing down. I don't want someone who doesn't even know the difference between basic produce to post about me on kijiji. I mean if a bunch of kale fell out of my purse and he called it swiss chard I could handle that, but kiwis are hairy, my avocado certainly was not.
-Miss Connection


Election Day Lessons

This last Monday, Election Day, I was lined up at the Sylvan Lake Community Centre, ready to get my vote on. Being the nerd that I am, I love to vote. I had been tweeting about the election and non-stop encouraging people in my life to vote. This was my moment to practice what I was preaching. I am instructed to go to booth 27 where I give my name and am given instructions on how this vote thing works. Right beside me a man, probably around my age, with a neck tattoo, yes, at least one man with a neck tattoo was exercising his right to vote. I made some eye contact, me wearing my best, least stained, monster print scrubs having come straight from work. We then both went behind our respective cardboard privacy walls. I looked over one more time and then thought to myself "what the hell woman, this is not the time to be missin' connections it's time to vote." So I put my head down and marked my X. I guess I learned some hard lessons this election day. Some things are more important than the missed connection section on Kijiji and the cardboard privacy walls aren't really all that private. Oh and sometimes people with neck tattoos aren't the worst.
-Miss Connection


It's a Zoo Out There!

On Good Friday my best friend and I decided to hit the Calgary Zoo. The zoo, it turns out is not a good place to scope out men. Almost every man in the place had his pants up around his rib cage and was accompanied by a litter of children, not my scene. I did however, make some eye contact with a man as I dressed up my hotdog with all the condiments I could find. I am, I must mention, an artist when it comes to condiments. I can't blame him for watching. Next came the uncomfortable part. I caught him watching me eat the hotdog. I'm sure he was just in awe of my control, not getting even a little bit of mustard on my shirt. That was my only shot at a missed connection at the zoo. We later went out dancing where I saw more writhing teenagers than I care to discuss. There was absolutely no viable options for me to creep on since they were all overly hair gelled, hormonal, babies. I saw more attempts at mating at the bar than at the zoo. Too bad some of the endangered species don't take a lesson from every 18 year old bar star out there. If they did I can guarantee we'd have a heck of a lot more Whooping Cranes out there!

-Miss Connection


A More Serious Post.

I would like to discuss a very serious problem that affects 82%* of 24-30 year olds, the Quarter Life Crisis. How old was Britney Spears when she shaved her head and went to rehab? 25. How old is Lindsay Lohan right now? 25. How old was Julia Roberts when she married Lyle Lovett? You guessed it, 25! Turning 25 does something to a person. You start to panic. Your friends start getting married, buying houses, and having babies. What are you doing? Playing Draw Something with a bunch of strangers. You realize you need to do something major and fast so you don't get stuck in the boring life you have stumbled into.

Why am I talking about such a serious topic in my usual light hearted blog? I, myself have turned 25 today. You are probably reading this and thinking about how well adjusted and normal I seem, there is no way I could fall victim to such a make believe problem. Well, I hate to disappoint but I was hit hard by this phenomenon. I quit my steady, good paying nursing job and applied for Radio Broadcasting. Yep, I'm gonna chase my dreams. It feels kinda reckless because I am trading financial security in for a much lower paying job but I realized that life is way too freaking long to be doing something I don't like. Plus it's just a new career, Barbie does it all the time. It's not like I married Lyle Lovett. You don't bounce back from something like marrying Lyle Lovett.

-Miss Connection

*Statistic completely made up.


St. Patties Day

St. Patties Day is one of my favorite holidays. I really don't know what is being celebrated, all I know is that I love the color green and I love beer, so naturally I love St. Patties Day! This year I took time off work, bought bright green pants, and attempted to hit the town with friends. The night started off with a game of Mystery Date, which is a board game from the early 90's about dating so obviously I lost. My friend Kate had a deck of Tarot Cards so she did a reading for each of us girls. I'm no expert but when you ask about your love life and you get a card with a crying mermaid on it, probably not a good sign. Nope, just as I suspected, things will not be improving in that category. After all of this exciting pre-partying we decided to make the journey to Original Joes. There were no tables. We decided to wait. Kate and I were too hungry to wait so we ran across the street to McDonald's where I hit the creepy mother load. There was a strange man sitting at a table on his laptop. Kate pointed out that he was probably working on his Kijiji personal ads. While eating my Happy Meal I made sure to stare in his direction. My naturally loud voice caught his attention a few times, even making him laugh at one point. But alas, one week later and no missed connection.
-Miss Connection


It's All In The Brows!

Ever since I have holstered the "finger guns" I have been wondering how I am supposed to flirt. I thought about a subtle hair flip and quickly realised, I can't do subtle. Next, I did some intensive Google research and would be mortified if someone was to look at my internet history, lots of "how to flirt" sites exist out there. To sum up what I learned, I need to act like an idiot and draw attention to my mouth. In my world that means I should always be eating a great big meatball sub. That's not sexy. So my next source of information was the retro cartoon channel. Those cartoons are a goldmine for flirting tips! While I haven't been able to get my tongue to roll out of my mouth or my eyes to pop out of my head, I have mastered the eyebrow waggle. I went to several liquor stores one evening and tried out the brows. Let me tell ya, I was sensational. I made many bouts of extended eye contact and only burst out laughing once. I wouldn't be surprised if kijiji blows up this week.
-Miss Connection


Speed Dating!

Last week I tried out speed dating through Finding Love Lady at the Blarney Stone! Due to the crazy snowfall, attendance was bleak. Only two men and two ladies showed up. Either way, I got to date two men in the course of an hour which pretty much tripled the amount of men I have dated previously, so there's that. We paired off and played some games. Now, this is where I found out how competitive I am and how much I can't multitask. I destroyed the other team at the first two games but I literally didn't learn a thing about either guy in the first two rounds. I was way too focused on winning which I can imagine was not an attractive thing to witness. The next couple rounds were "get to know you rounds". We had cue cards with fun questions to help conversation along which was awesome. Normally, when I am uncomfortable I start babbling about sharks. Strange defense mechanism, I know. Because of all the games and cue cards I don't think I said one word about sharks! This is a pretty huge deal since men in general make me uncomfortable. I would definitely recommend speed dating to everyone, except for married people, that's just swinging. I myself did not connect with either men that showed up. I did however, make eyes at two other men at the Blarney Stone that night, mostly because they caught me staring at their large neck tattoos.

-Miss Connection


It Has Happened...For Someone Else.

While browsing Kijiji and Craigslist for missed connections today, I almost had a heart attack. Has it happened? Is this a joke? The headline had Walmart and Sylvan Lake in the title. I spend almost all of my free time at Walmart. I find it relaxing there. I click on the ad, my heart racing. The ad is crudely written, as if chiseled into a cave wall. Spelling and punctuation left by the wayside, there is no time for capitalization when dressing room love is on the line! Was this passionate man looking to reconnect with me? No. My heart falls. The date of the article is March 3rd. March 3rd, a day I spent entirely in Canmore, away from my homebase Walmart. As disappointed as I am that the first missed connection posted about a business I frequent was not about me, I am hopeful. There is now proof that I am close. This could happen.
-Miss Connection

wal-mart sylvan lake - m4w - 40 (sylvan lake)

Date: 2012-03-04, 7:40PM MST
Reply to: mailto:n9bqm-2884959566@pers.craigslist.org?subject=wal-mart%20%20%20%20sylvan%20lake%20-%20m4w%20-%2040%20(sylvan%20lake)&body=%0A%0Ahttp%3A%2F%2Freddeer.en.craigslist.ca%2Fmis%2F2884959566.html%0A

i came out of the dressing room and pulled the corner to find myself face to face with you,iv been in love since.this took place on sat.march 03,please email me.

  • Location: sylvan lake
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 2884959566

It's Happened...For Someone Else!

While browsing Kijiji and Craigslist for missed connections I almost had a heart attack. Has it happened? Is this a joke? The headline had Walmart and Sylvan Lake in the title. I spend almost all of my free time at Walmart. I find it relaxing there. I click on the ad, my heart racing. The ad is crudely written, as if chiseled into a cave wall. Spelling and puntuation left at the wayside, there is no time for capitalization when dressing room love is on the line! Was this passionate man looking to reconnect with me? No. The date of the article is March 3rd. I just had to be in Canmore on March 3rd.



After a night shift, two coworkers and I went for breakfast at McDonalds. Have you ever been to a McDonalds at 7:00am? It's horrible. I understand why the drive through is most peoples method of choice to procure a McMuffin. The place is filled with strange smelling people. These people all stare when fresh meat enters through the doors. Directly across from our table was a lone man doing the Sudoku puzzle in his newspaper. His shirt was about 8 inches too short to cover his belly. Too much skin for 7:00am. I look out the window and there is a 20 something year old man running through the parking lot wearing threadbare grey sweatpants. This man in my opinion was not wearing the proper supportive undergarments for running. Too much jiggling for 7:00am. I was thinking to myself every single person in this building and outside is a perfect target for my challenge. Then I thought to myself, I am already going to get some wicked gut rot from this breakfast, isn't that enough torture for one day?

-Miss Connection


Getting Nowhere

Still no luck with finding a missed connection. At the pace I'm going this week the kijiji ad would have to read "Saw you watching episodes of Dateline on your laptop in your bedroom. I thought we made eye contact when you glanced out your window and I felt something." I can't depend on peeping Toms to notice me so I think I might need to up my game. I feel like the first step would be leaving my house but I'm not even out of cereal so what would be the point? Human contact? Fun? Last time I went out I lost at laser tag and got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it. Does that sound like fun? It kiinda was I guess.
-Miss Connection


Valentines Day

Usually single girls rant and rave about how Valentines Day is stupid and was invented by Hallmark to sell cards, while in reality they are praying someone, anyone will send them some candy. I have bad news for all those single girls, oh and the not so single ones; the Valentines Day aisle at the drug store is a man free zone. I was challenged this week by a friend to lurk in the Valentines section of a store and stare at men and sigh. I failed at this. There were absolutely no men picking out heart shaped anythings. Only middle aged ladies and me. I went to two separate stores on two separate days and saw no men. Hopefully this means all of the ladies are getting something better than a stuffed dinosaur and heart shaped box of Hershey Kisses this year for Valentines Day. Either way it doesn't matter because Valentines Day is stupid. Did you know it was invented by Hallmark to sell cards?

-Miss Connection


Tables turned?

I am almost ashamed to even write this post. Here it goes. It all took place at a drive through car wash. I had finished paying and the employee handed me my receipt. He stroked my hand with his fingers as he handed it over. Not just an accidental hand brush, a full on hand raping, almost as if he was trying to give me his excess hand lotion. I went in not intending to miss a connection but this guy picked up my slack. I felt incredibly uncomfortable. Is this how I make people feel? Probably.

So I got into my car, rolled down the window, and typed in my wash code. Remember I am frazzled at this point, I start to drive into the car wash. I am jolted back to reality when I was sprayed in the face with ice cold water. Yes, my window was all the way down. I scrambled to roll it up as I am getting sprayed with what feels like 8 million pounds of water pressure. I hope the men I leer at are a little less neurotic than me so they never have to have slight facial bruising from a car wash.

-Miss Connection


Nerd Alert

I learned two important lessons this week.

1. The Parkland Mall is easily the best place to people watch. It looks almost like the zombie apocalypse has already happened there. Everyone moves in slow motion with dead eyes. Everyone avoids eye contact and not one person in the place is smiling. I actually saw a guy sitting by himself in the food court speaking what I can only assume was Parseltongue.

2. I am the biggest nerd in the world, or at least in the Parkland Mall. When I heard the man speaking Parseltongue the first thing I did was frantically look around for a snake. There was no snake.


It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

Yes, I am quoting Dickens in this mid-week check in. This week my creeping has been mostly on hold, except for a trip to Parkland Mall which I will write about on Sunday. What the heck happened to that place. There were so many targets there, I would guess that 40% of the people I saw have at one point used Kijiji to get a date. The only other creeping I could have done so far this week is at the Red Deer Hospital ER, my doctors office, or the nice tow truck driver that boosted my car for me. As you can guess I have had a rough week and it's only half over! For every bad thing that has happened at least one awesome thing has happened, I have an interview at SAIT coming up, I'm going to be on KG mornings tomorrow morning, and someone wrote this amazing article about me! Check it out! http://www.yousuckatkijiji.com/2012/01/woman-trying-like-crazy-to-end-up-in.html


You had me at Kijiji...

This week I attempted the "Car Creep" which consists of making eye contact with dudes in cars at stoplights, parking lots, drive thrus, ect. I struggle with this for 2 reasons: reason number 1 is that I have had a creepy man follow me all the way from the Bower Mall to the Police station in Sylvan Lake (there's no way I was leading him to my house). This was 4 years ago but it still gives me the heebie jeebies. Reason number 2 is that I really like to sing in the car, not just sing but perform. I like to pretend I am filming a music video for every single song that comes on the radio, this is not conducive to missing connections.

I made eye contact with a variety of men around Central Alberta some of which I fear were probably in the way too young for me category. I realize this is an experiment and I am not actually looking for a mate on this mission but I still don't like the idea of hitting on teens. It just feels wrong. Usually when I drive I avoid eye contact with people at lights because it weirds me out. I found out that a lot of men seem to be huge fans of the Car Creep. I rarely had to be the initiator of the eye contact. Word of advice to men everywhere, leering at women at stoplights is not a good game plan. Not only is it creepy, it is pointless, that light is gonna change and that lady in the Honda Civic is out of your life forever.

In the exit of the Sobey's parking lot in Sylvan Lake while belting out some Stevie Nicks I looked out my passenger window over top of my sunglasses at the man in the truck next to me, eye contact was made. I realised instantly that this was a guy I graduated with. His window was down so I have no doubt he could hear my spirited rendition of Edge of Seventeen. I looked away but for some reason didn't stop singing. It's like I thought if I quit he would know I was embarrassed. That was easily the longest red light I have ever sat through. Oh well, I still have 3 years until our high school reunion...
-Miss Connection


Ladies, Ben, this is the final rose, eh!

This week I have been working nights so I have been sleeping during most peak creep hours. I woke up one afternoon and saw on Twitter that the Bachelor is coming to Canada. In my half asleep haze I applied to be one of the desperate attention seeking ladies. I think I could really make my family proud with this one. Last week in the middle of the night I applied for more post-secondary and this week for a reality dating show. Hmm, my 25th birthday is around the corner. Can you say quarter life crisis? I think I should trade my Jetta in for a sports car and maybe start dating men half my age. Wait, maybe not the last thing. I don't wanna end up in prison.
-Miss Connection


Working Title

I want to paint you a picture of what I look like while I am writing this blog. If you have ever watched an episode of Sex and the City then you have seen Carrie Bradshaw sitting at her window in a super fashionable ensemble tapping away at her laptop. I look just like that. Except I live in a basement so I sit under my window, I am almost always wearing my glow in the dark zombie pajamas, and because of my love of naps I am usually lying in bed half asleep as I write. It's a pretty sexy event.

This week it was way to cold for any kind of excursions. Finger guns in mittens are even more ineffective, it looks more like a full handed point. I did go to all you can eat sushi at Shiso, which was amazing. Me and 3 friends did a pretty good job of at being absolute gluttons.There were lots of men there but I did not even attempt to miss a connection. I could picture the ad in my head..."You were at Shiso on Sunday wearing a tacky 80's looking neon hoodie eating enough sushi to feed a family of 4 for a week. You were so adorable when you dipped your elbow into soy sauce. Message me if you think this might be you." Yeah, there is nothing cute about me when the words "all you can eat" are involved.

I also went out in Calgary with 9 girls from work. I figured out why the finger guns don't work for me, I am sober almost all of the time. One of the girls I went out with was quite intoxicated and decided to try my moves and wouldn't you believe, the guns worked for her. Granted the men that were falling for the guns were also inebriated and for the most part old enough to be her father so I wasn't too heartbroken over her success.
Quote of the week: "Your social experiments make me uncomfortable." Tanya P.
-Miss Connection


Lookin' Pretty Bleak.

The Missed Connections on Kijiji are dwindling. There are only 4 left, none of which have been posted since I have embarked on this journey. I have been checking out the Craigslist Missed Connections as well and they are even more sparse. There is only one on Craiglist and it is a chain letter. On the bright side, since I opened it my secret love is going to realize he misses me and I am in for "the shock of my life tomorrow!" I am pretty excited to find out who this love of my life, I'm pretty certain it is Mark Wahlberg so wish me luck on that one. Wait, I clearly don't need luck because I have a chain letter! Things sure are lookin' up for this gal!
-Miss Connection


I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to Kijiji her!

This week I had 2 good shots at a missed connection, unfortunately no success on Kijiji. Outing number 1 was to Belinis with some of my lady friends. Around the dance floor at places like this are usually a smorgasbord of creepy men that appear to be at the bar by themselves. They sit or stand in one place for hours watching all the girls dancing. These types of guys are quite obviously the types that rely on Kijiji for dates so I had my target. One friend objected saying "he looks like he wants to make a suit out of your skin" this didn't deter me. I made some eye contact and since I was dancing and my only moves are finger guns and the "Elaine" I shot off a couple guns in his direction. He then up and left. Yep, I creeped out the single creepiest man in the place. Sweet fancy Moses!

Outing number 2 was to the Sylvan Lake Sobeys. I had decided to make pineapple pork chops in my slowcooker and needed all the ingredients since I mostly live on cereal. I first noticed a handsome fellow in the meat section and I made some eye contact with a slight eyebrow wiggle. I kinda followed him around the store until the perfect moment presented itself. He lingered in the canned fruit aisle and I actually needed a can of pineapple. I stood beside him and waited until he reached for a can and I quickly reached at the same time. Our hands met on the can of pineapple. He apologized and I couldn't keep my cool. I burst out laughing and off he scurried. I am not very smooth or subtle so it was quite obvious I had touched him on purpose.

Several people have expressed concern that I am going to end up with a stalker out of this experience, I'm honestly more worried that I am going to become the stalker. If I have already progressed to touching the men what's next? An episode of Criminal Minds based on me? Maybe. (Not really...I hope)

-Miss Connection


Midweek Check In

At the end of last week I was assuming this would be a traditional New Years Resolution, (stupid, unrealistic, and only followed for the month of January) but it doesn't look like I can turn back now. I will have to make this goal more realistic if I'm gonna follow through. I won't be able to get a full hour of creep time every day. I unfortunately have a job that is not conducive to gettin' my creep on. Sick elderly people for the most part don't have the computer know-how to post on Kijiji and I'm pretty sure it would be unethical or just gross for me to use them in this blog.

A bit of background info on my previous dating life so you can get an idea of how awkward this is for me:
Yep that's it, a bunch of nothing! Oh, unless you count the old lady that kissed my neck on Monday. We shared a pretty special moment followed by slathering my neck with hospital grade hand sanitizer.
-Miss Connection


Week 1

I started this challenge January 1st at Cities Gastro Pub. Since it was a holiday there was a major lack in candidates for my creeping. With help from two of my friends I zeroed in on two targets. Target #1 was at the bar with a beard and Adidas tear aways. Target #2 was sitting at a table wearing short shorts with another man. Unfortunately there was a set back. Target 1 joined Target 2 and his friend. This meant I was staring at the whole table. It took forever to get some eye contact. I broke out my signature move "The Finger Gun" and it did not yield any results. There was a man who did seem to notice all of my stares and whatnot. He was sitting directly behind the targets and he spent the majority of the hour watching me and laughing. If anyone missed a connection it was that guy. I would say Day 1 was a learning experience and an epic fail.

If my night at Cities was a failure, I don't know what to call the rest of the week. I tried an evening at the gym which I thought was genius with all these resolutioners invading gyms across the world. Alas, I was the only person at the gym so I had to actually work out. I tried a friends birthday at local bar and there we no men there that were not with women. I tried Waves for coffee and there was one lone man to creep on. He was wearing sunglasses inside so of course he was blind. No, wait a minute he just grabbed a book out of his man bag. Braille? Nope his hands were fixed on the outside of the book. So this man was reading a book with sunglasses on? Doesn't seem like a viable target. No one should out crazy me on this quest.
I went for wings at Bo's with friends and that place is way too busy for me to get any proper eye contact going. Also I do not look cute when I am savagely ripping the meat off my dozen dill pickle wings. I spent a full afternoon at Original Joes where I had a lot of fun until I actually made eye contact with the creepiest man in Red Deer. As soon as our eyes met he began touching his lips very slowly but very deliberatly. It was at that moment I thought maybe this blog is a bad idea.

I learned some good lesson this week.
1. Walmart is not a good place to do any sort of creeping. Unless you are a hunky man, in which case I am usually at the Sylvan Lake Walmart around 3 times a week.
2.Eye contact with strangers makes me uncomfortable.

-Miss Connection


Learning Curve

Ok so I am half way through my first week of this challenge and I am quickly finding out that this is a lot more difficult than I had expected. I have been out to 4 different public places this week and had almost zero success at making eye contact with men. I have no idea where all the men are hiding or why they are wearing sunglasses inside. I have decided that I need to mostly focus on strange men as I am almost positive that a stable individual is not relying on kijiji for dates. I have also learned that a very busy establishment is not ideal for missing connections. Another lesson I learned is that "finger guns" are not cute and I should really try and retire that move. I still have a few days left this week and I am not going to give up. I will give a more detailed recap of my week on Sunday.
-Miss Connection


The Premise

I have always been fascinated with the missed connections listed on http://reddeer.kijiji.ca/f-community-missed-connections-W0QQCatIdZ636 and my New Years resolution for this year is to have one written about me. I will be spending one hour every day in a different public place making eye contact with strangers. I will write about my experiences in each place one week after they happen so I can see if I get any results before posting. Today being the first day of 2012 I started the challenge and wow, it's gonna be a long awkward year. If you have any suggestions for locations or challenges that you think will get me to my goal please write them in the comments section.
-Miss Connection